“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.” - Albert Einstein

A lot of dumb things happened between the end of last season and the opening weekend of this season.  And no, I'm not talking about all the off the field shenanigans that schools like Ohio State, Oregon, LSU, Georgia Tech, Miami, etc. were involved with.  For starters, the conferences.

Big 12...you have ten teams (at least this week) and are still calling yourself the Big 12.  Big Ten...you have twelve teams and are still calling yourself the Big Ten.  And you have without a doubt the dumbest division names in football; Legends and Leaders.  The reaction to your announcement of the division names probably stunned people so much that they forgot to question you about still calling yourself the Big Ten.  Both of these conferences need to figure out how to count or just rename themselves something like the Big East or SEC so you don't have to worry about the number of teams you have (or don't have).

Next, uniforms.  Okay, just because some sports apparel manufacturer can make you a new uniform, doesn't mean you have to say yes.  Oregon, you've been hideous for a few years now, but you're in the Pacific Northwest, so we let you slide being a little quirky and Nike head Phil Knight is a big supporter and he gets press for the goofy looks he puts on you.  But now you're spreading your plague to other teams and they're ruining classic uniforms.


Butt Ugly Bulldogs



Georgia - What the hell was that atrocity you put on opening night against Boise State? I'm talking about the uniforms right now, not your terrible play against the Broncos in what was essentially a home game for the Bulldogs.  I like Head Coach Mark Richt, but he probably needs to be fired if he doesn't have the power to stop whoever had the idea to put those awful things on a tradition-rich program like Georgia. 

Oklahoma State - Your new uniform combinations aren't edgy.  Having 48 different combinations of colors and logos isn't cool; it's confusing.  Your program has been good and nearing very good for the last few years.  You have an exciting offense.  You should be trying to establish your brand, not making people try to figure out what exactly it is.  For help on this, check out Coca-Cola.  That logo hasn't changed in nearly 100 years and they're known worldwide.  Or just try looking across the state at how Oklahoma does things.  I bet I can count their uniform combinations on one hand and still have a finger or two left over.



Turtle Shell Helmet



Maryland - I don't even know where to begin with these things.  First, you have the warm-up helmets with the turtle shell design.  All right, kind of quaint, but also sort of stealing the TCU Horned Frogs scaled helmet style, so not real original.  Oh, but for game time, you decide to bring an explosion of color to the helmet, taking part of the Maryland flag and putting it on the helmet, then letting some of it run down to the shoulders, a little more going down to those players who wanted to wear sleeves and then capping it off with shoes only a pimp would be caught dead wearing.  These things are a mess and I can't believe that impressionable 17-18 year-olds who are looking to play collegiate football are lining up to go to Maryland after seeing those outfits on Monday night.  I took away from the game that the University of Maryland has opened a new clown college and free costumes are available for those on the football team. 



My eyes..it burns...it burns!!!

Apparently, there is no one overseeing the creation of uniforms anymore, so I'm electing myself to the post.  And I'll start with some rules:

1. If you are one of the classic teams of college football, you don't get to run through the tunnel onto the field wearing something that looks like it was created by a kid with a 64-count box of Crayons after he just finished off a pound of Snickers and washed it down with a 44oz Mountain Dew Slurpee.  I'm looking at you specifically here, Georgia.  Follow the lead of Oklahoma, Penn State, USC, Nebraska, UCLA, etc.  You're better than that and you don't need to be gimmicky.
2. If you are one of the classic teams of college football, and you get a wild hair up your ass that you want to be like everyone else with another jersey to sell, at least do it right.  That means it has a reason for existing and you don't get to trot it out every other week.  LSU's all white helmet and uniform with the pelicans (state bird) on the shoulder after Katrina is acceptable.  Notre Dame breaking out the green jerseys for a big rivalry game every now and then is okay as well, though it seems like they've come out a lot more lately.  Ohio State's throwback uniforms with the even bigger numbers on them are fine.  Even South Carolina's semi-camouflage uniform with names on the back replaced by "Duty", "Courage", "Honor", etc. is okay, since the basic color style of the uniform remains the same.
3. If you're a team who is relatively new to the college football hierarchy, get a logo and color scheme down and stick with it.  I'm looking at you now, Boise State and TCU.  Quit changing up your helmet color scheme, quit changing the logo on the side of the helmet.  You have a logo...embrace it, identify with it, love it.



Helmet modification done corrrectly

4. Exception to the helmet/logo rule above is for classic bowl games and if you're able to do something unique using the bowl logo and your own.  TCU, you did an incredible job with your helmet last year in the Rose Bowl with the Horned Frog holding a rose in his teeth.  Without a doubt, my favorite helmet of all time.  Other schools, you're allowed to do something like this as well, provided the bowl logo and your logo work together.  Examples of acceptable combinations:
   
   Any school in the Rose Bowl with initials on the side of their helmet can use the rose through it (Nebraska, Washington, UCLA).
   
   Schools without a logo on the side of their helmet can have a small bowl logo on the back of their helmet (Penn State, Notre Dame, Michigan).  You cannot put one on the side.
   
   Schools in a bowl game that has not been around at least 25 years may not use the bowls logo in any way on their helmet.  No Arkansas Razorback eating at the Beef O'Brady logo; no Iowa Hawkeye munching on a piece of Little Caesar's Pizza.
5. No shoes that give people a headache to look at or cause them to try and adjust the brightness/contrast of their television.  I didn't get HD to have my eyes seared out by the neon yellow oregon shoes.  This also includes: Fire Engine Red, Nuclear Orange, anything with the state flag on it.  You get to wear black, white, your primary color or your secondary color.

EcoKat and Willie the Wildcat

Finally, the last little piece of idiocy comes from Kansas State and their mascot EcoKat.  The idea may have been nice (a "Green" competition against in-state rival Kansas), the execution was terrible and justifiably ridiculed.  Anyone who knows me, knows I love the 80's, and while EcoKat has that 80's hair down and that "Wonder Twins powers, activate!" design, and she might actually be kind of hot under that costume, she has no place being in the same location as Willie the Wildcat. 

So, now that we've gotten the first week jitters out of the way and realize that drinking a bottle of Jager with a chaser of Boone's Farm Watermelon wasn't such a good idea, let's stop the stupidity and get back to the game on the field.